I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
