i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sorry about my life...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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