Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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