Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
