....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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