I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
