I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
