i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
