So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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