Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
