Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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