Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
