i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i now understand why vodka
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
