do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
