i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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