I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
