remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
