i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
