just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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