Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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