Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
