well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
