My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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