At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
