New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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