My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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