It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
