i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
