You just made me feel so damn special
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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