Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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