Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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