I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
