the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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