I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
