I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
