obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize