Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
