I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
