She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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