I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
