Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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