dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
