i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
