...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
