and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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