Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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