apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
