i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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