TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
