This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
