walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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