im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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