I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
