Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize