I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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