I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
