so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
