my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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