All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
