But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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