remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I just had sex on a roof
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
