God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
