I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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